Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Did I show you my penis last night?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
