god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
