Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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