respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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