yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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