I accidentally had phone sex last night
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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