I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
