last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Randomize
