pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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