Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
