It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
