Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
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