I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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