Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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