using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
