Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
