Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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