woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
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just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
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I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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