last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
