I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
