Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
