I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
