cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
