dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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