hotel room ftw
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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