But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So squirting runs in the family.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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