True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Randomize
