Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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