booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Randomize
