the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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