wakey wakey hands off snakey
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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