Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
