A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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