i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
