I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
