This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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