I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats