All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
