I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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