I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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