i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he was CRYING into my vagina
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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