I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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