After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
