Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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