Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Success! We fucked roommates!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
