Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
