Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
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Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
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I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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