u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
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Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
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Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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