Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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