Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
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