Define "chronic" masturbator.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
