Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
