I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
