Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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